Mother, Woman, Me

I haven't posted on this blog for a long time. I guess sometimes I have things to say about my faith and sometimes I don't. Today I do.

I've taken a lot of heat over the years for my beliefs. Much of that has subsided, but a criticism I continue to field often is, "How can you, being an intelligent woman, subject yourself to a religion so repressive to your gender?" Ironically I confront this criticism most often from members of my own faith.

I've spent some time trying to put my feelings about womanhood and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints into words and this is the best I've come up with:

My family and I like to ride our bikes up to the local elementary school and play on the playgrounds together. It's a fun outing for all of us and uses up some of the extra energy that would otherwise be bouncing all over the house breaking things. There is one stretch of our ride that takes us down a busy road with no sidewalks and no shoulder. As a mother, this part is scary. It's a relatively short distance, but if my kids don't stay right in line with us, it could be deadly.

Each time we leave on this little journey, I remind the boys to follow Daddy and then I ride behind so I can call to them if they wander too far into the road without noticing and stay with them if they fall. Daddy charts a safe course and I follow my little brood to make sure no one wanders off or gets left behind. Even when Daddy can't come with us, I choose this position, and my oldest son rides out in front.

I've always chosen this position, even before I had children of my own. I was the oldest cousin in a large family of skiiers. Every time we went skiing, I would wait at the top of the mountain until all the younger siblings and cousins started down. I was the last one to the bottom of the hill nearly every time because I wanted to be there if someone fell or lost a ski.

I choose this position because I am a woman and innately I am and always have been a mother. It would be torturous to be unable to track of each and every one of my babies. I want to see where they are going and be able to stop and gather them in if necessary. I don't want anyone to be unknowingly left behind. Daddy and I could trade spots, I suppose, but given the choice, I prefer the expansive vision from behind to the expansive vision out in front. He can see where we're going; I can see who is going to get there and call out if we need to stop, slow down, or if we accidentally miss a turn. Together we move safely as a family.

So does it bother me that my church is led by men? No, because the circle is completed by the women who watch over the brood from behind and call out when necessary; together the body moves safely.

I like to think my Mother in Heaven would choose the same thing. Perhaps she chooses to stay behind us where she can call out when she sees us wander and make sure we're not left behind. Although that choice means we don't get to follow her directly nor see her face, the destination remains the same and I'm sure she's satisfied her husband and oldest son will lead us there safely.

Help

Anyone have any thoughts on why our salvation does not exist independently from other people??

I have to speak on Sunday about this.

I have lots of notes. Can't get a solid grip on it yet though.

Thoughts?

Anyone, Anyone?

Answers to Prayers

One of the things that I love most about my Father in Heaven is how much faith and trust He puts in us, His imperfect children. Some times of great frustration have come when I've felt my prayers for guidance remain unanswered, and yet some of my greatest blessings have come as I've also learned to have faith in myself and the abilities God has given me.

The end of my time living in Missouri came very suddenly. I woke up one Sunday morning and decided that after all my visiting and experimenting with other religions, what I really wanted to do was go back to my church. I got up, got ready and went. I came home and happily told my boyfriend what a great feeling I felt there. He promptly broke up with me and I spent the night crying. I called my mom at 5:00 in the morning (which was really about 4:00am her time) and told her I wanted to come home. She booked plane tickets and arrived on my doorstep in a little over 24 hours.

During that time I had to quit my job, withdraw from the University, have a tow hitch attached to my car, and pack all my stuff into a rented trailer - alone. Somewhere after quitting my job and withdrawing from school; and before I was completely finished packing, it occurred to me that maybe I should make sure this was the right decision and not just an emotional knee jerk reaction.

I went upstairs to my bedroom and knelt down to pray. I asked if I was doing the right thing and the answer was overwhelming. I felt like warm milk was being slowly poured down my neck as I warmed from head to toe. It was the first time I knew without question that my actions were being directed by a loving Father in Heaven.

***

When it came time a couple of years later to decide whether or not I should marry John, I innocently expected that same kind of answer. I knew I wanted to marry him. I'd known it from the minute I met him, but I wanted to make sure God thought it was a good idea too. I was surprised and a bit frustrated to find that no matter how hard nor how often I prayed, I didn't get the same time of undeniable feeling I'd had when I was preparing to leave Missouri.

As I was talking to my mom about this frustration she said, "Perhaps you're not getting the answer you want because you already know the answer." I knew she was right and it was a good lesson to me that answers to prayers come in many different ways.

Since then I've run across many words from prophets that help me when I am seeking guidance and direction in my life. Here are a couple:

Tell the people to be humble and faithful and sure to keep the Spirit of the Lord and it will lead them right...They can tell the Spirit of the Lord from all other spirits. It will whisper peace and joy to their souls, and it will take malice, hatred, envying, strife and all evil from their hearts; and their whole desire will be to do good, bring forth righteousness, and build up the kingdom of God. Tell the brethren if they will follow the Spirit of the Lord they will go right. --Teachings of Presidents of the Church Joseph Smith p98

D&C 58:26-28
26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is ^acompelled in all things, the same is a ^bslothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

27 Verily I say, men should be ^aanxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are ^aagents unto themselves.

If I ask him to give me wisdom concerning any requirement in life, or in regard to my own course, or that of my friends, my family, my children, or those that I preside over, and get no answer from him, and then do the very best that my judgment will teach me, he is bound to own and honor that transaction, and he will do so to all intents and purposes. --Teachings of Presidents of the Church Brigham Young p46

Peace Quote

This quote seems to fit in this blog well.

If we keep ALL of God's commandments, we will enjoy a feeling of calmness, serenity, and strength. This will serve as a bulwark to protect us against the winds and storms created by the tensions and uncertainties of present chaotic world conditions. We need not wait until we get to heaven to obtain peace and happiness. We can have heaven on earth, here and now. --Elder Henry D. Taylor assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Conference Report Oct. 1961

Suffering

Why bad things happen to good people is a constant in the big bag of life's eternal questions. I always like having good quotes on hand for whenever the need arises. Here are a few:

• From Neal A. Maxwell's speech "Freedom: a "Hard Doctrine" in Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year April, 1972:

The disciple of Christ needs to expect the 'reproof of life' - and suffering - for suffering is that sweat that comes from working out our salvation. Suffering is on the agenda for each of us.

• Going right along with this idea is the first footnote to Hebrews 11:40.

• I also think this quote that my sister-in-law keeps on her blog fits in nicely too:

Your life will be easier when you accept that what God does in your life is for your eternal good.--Richard G. Scott, Apr 2007